Tuesday, 3/12/24, 1:44pm CST
The soul focus today seems to be on faith. My situational depression came from a particular situation that has made me very angry with God. In this 'bubble of no-mans-land' I am in, I seem to be alone with a very patient and calm presence while I am still angry. I don't want to trust and let go and let God, however, time is moving on and I need new prayers answered. This makes me angry, too.
I stopped praying until recently because of everything that happened. A few days ago I began to pray for help in softening my heart. I also decided not pray to God. I am mad at Him. In my healing and growing I will refer to my Higher Power as I see fit. In your healing and growing you will do the same. Even though I believe strongly in Jesus (all Spirituality), I did stop praying to Him, too. I was also angry with Him. Why so angry? The situation we went through and are still in was traumatic and a lot. Where were They? Where are They? I prayed directly to Jesus. I chose to pray to Jesus because I feel less judged and He doesn't feel to be so cruel as God does. Sometimes, God feels like a very harsh and authoritative Being. I need help with all of this shifting because I do not know why my God is now. Jesus may know.
Over the last few days I have noticed little things that I have done that have made little differences.
Praying. "Dear Jesus please soften my heart so that I am not so angry at everyone and everything, including this world and myself. Thank you, Amen.
Liking little things again... like flowers. Pretty things. And new shows on tv... Being depressed seems to take away your ability to be interested in things you like.
Remembering that every depressed person isn't suicidal. I am not. Robin Williams was. High Functioning Depression can be scary... but it is also scary to those who know nothing about it and are not willing to learn. It's lonely either way. Even though the commercials say to talk to your healthcare provider, it feels like a trap. When you do, the professionals seems to treat you like depression is something you just get over or something I should just suck up. It is isolating when professionals plural push you further into your cave of confusion, doubt, loneliness, and concern.
Being grateful for my husband and my dog. Both are my life.
Feeling a "little" excited about being mid-life for the first time. Ever. I've been depressed about being mid-life and somehow I thought it would all be different here- I would be different here.
Concerns....
Feeling sad about what I cannot control.
Feeling sad about the world.
Missing my family.
Missing my daughter.
Missing my other cats.
Still angry at God. This will be another few posts.
Hoping I "get it all" before my body gives it all up. Running out of time truly being happy in this body, in this life, as me. I am.
There is a lot of pressure with practicing faith. When you're all in, there is the pressure to stay all in despite the constant challenges in life, and that feels exhausting sometimes. When you are angry or "not feeling it," you run the risk of being open to negativity and "winging it" on your own, which we really are never alone, but winging it alone in faith if terrifying. It's also life-changing. It's where God shows up again. He better. 🥸
I want to lean on God. I want to believe that God wants what I want for myself. I want to feel ease in knowing God's got me. All I feel is anxiety and worry in trusting God... fear of not being provided for again. I do not want to go through another "soul lesson" again and again and again. I've been going through them since April 15, 1977 at 4:30am. I'm tired. Dear God. I am tired. This Empath Aries is tired.
Dear God,
Please be gentle with me. Please hear me needing you. I've been strong my whole life. I need you now. So very much. A miracle or three. Please hear that I need you to provide for me and to love me. To feel it. To hold me close and to really be there. Help us gently and lovingly flow through this next chapter. Hello, God? Are You there? It's me April. Remember? The girl I thought You said You loved. Or so, the girl that the bible and Sunday school said You loved? I don't know what to believe anymore and I want something good to believe in again. I need that. My psyche needs that. You seem to be there for so many others... Even through me for them. I don't want to be the girl in the middle for Spirit anymore. I want to be the girl who lives with Spirit for herself now more. .
And so shall it be. Right? Amen
XO